One page from a diary…

Lately, I mean for the last month or two I’ve been having some random thoughts going through my mind. The more challenging fact is that those are some new thoughts in my life… Like “I’d like to fall in love” or “what am I going to do with my life after graduation which is just a couple of months from now.” Some time ago I realized that for as long as I’m writing this blog I have never really told you about myself. I mean – you know my name, Twitter followers know my last name as well, you know what I study and if you ever checked the about me page you know how a half of my face looks like.

Last week as I was preparing the Valentine’s Day Special post I really started thinking about love. And I started having more intensive thoughts like “how great would it be to fall in love.” And then my inner voice starts to speak… Lucas, you’re 23 and you’ve never been in a serious relationship. Wait! You’ve never been in ANY relationship. Yes, I confess to a bitter truth – I’ve never been in love and I’ve never been with anybody. The older I get the more often I ask the same question – is there something wrong with me? And I probably know the answer, it’s quite obvious.

Everything started when I was just a few years old. My Dad worked in the Army and he never had time for me. If he was to pick me up from the kindergarten, I was always the last one to be picked. When he was coming back home he had to had his dinner served then for the rest of the day he was lying on the couch watching television. Other dads played outside with their sons and daughters, mine didn’t. But I dealth with it, I played with other kids when their parents were busy. Things started to change as the elementary school began. I was always told that education comes first. So at the age of 9, in third grade I stopped going to the playgroud – I had to learn.

As the time was flying and I grew into my teenage years things became more intense. Dad started openly criticising my for almost everything I’ve done. He didn’t like the clothes I was wearing, he didn’t like my friends. He openly admitted that I’m not a son he dreamt of because I wasn’t into sports and more “manly” things. We listened to different music, we had totally opposite opinions, we argued a lot (we still do) but I wasn’t afraid to shout at him. He hurt my feelings by always saying how fat and bad-looking I was. This continues every day until the current day.

You know, my Mum always did the opposite, she tried to cheer me up but it was Dad’s words that soaked into me like a spilled juice soaks into a sponge. I grew up feeling insecure, having a really low level of self-esteem and I was never confident. I’m also quite shy which makes me afraid of meeting new people. I’m blocked from the inside, I’m unable to make the first move and say “hi”. I try to work with myself, I do excercises and I swim when I can (It’s hard when you commute to university.) I believe in “yourself” I just can’t get to believing in “myself.”

There are days when I can be down so much that I say to myself things like “you’re not worthy”, “you don’t deserve good things.” In her Valentine’s Day post Elena introduced me as “happily single” but is it really me? Self esteem is something you can be born with or something you can build up through the years. My building is like the one made by a 3-years-old. But I still hope that one day I will meet someone who will make me realize my true value. One day…

This confession made me feel better, really. And apologies to those who didn’t really want to hear about it. If you’d like to know a little bit more about me feel tree to send me an email. I might do kind of a “X things you always wanted to know…” post.

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56 thoughts on “One page from a diary…

  1. Olfactoria says:

    That was a very courageous post, Lucas and I’m glad you wrote it. As you said, after writing it, you felt a bit better already, and I think that is what it’s all about – connecting with other people, through words, through sharing a piece of yourself and giving others the chance to relate. And that is what you did here in the virtual world, and that is a great “practice” for the real one. Thank you.

    • lucasai says:

      You think it was a courageous move? I didn’t even think of it that way. I totally had a word “real confession” in my mind but I didn’t treat it like something that would require courage.
      So… Thank you for those kind words.

      Please feel free to send a question regarding my person, I’m really into making a post with answers to those questions.

    • I agree with B! This post was incredibly brave and the kind of post that I don’t think many would have the guts to write. That is something to be commended, my friend. You have so much to give and by sharing your world however you choose to with us, it’s a wonderful and positive step towards the “real” world in your future!

  2. jilliecat says:

    Dear Lucas, there was an English poet called Philip Larkin who famously wrote: “They f**k you up, your mum and dad, they may not mean to but they do. They fill you with the faults they had, and add some extra, just for you”.

    I think that a lot of people have less than ideal childhoods to a certain extent, but people who are sensitive seem to suffer more acutely, especially when deprived of love and comfort.

    It is up to you now to live your life as you want and to rise above the past and its influence – easier said than done, I know, but it is important to learn to love and respect yourself. Love and respect from others follow.

    Yes, you are very young! I didn’t get married till I was 27, so you have plenty of time left to “find” yourself and then perhaps find love (which sometimes happens when you least expect it). Olfactaria has written wise words.

    With much love to you.

    • lucasai says:

      Those words from the poet are hillarious but at the same time so true!

      I don’t consider my childhood as a bad one, I just wished to get more attention from my dad. These days we barely speak, we just live in the same place and that won’t last long because as soon as I will graduate I will probably move to live closer to where I get the job.

      My mum gave birth to me when she was 25-26 so it was quite early, things changed since then

  3. Madeleine says:

    Hi Lukasz,

    Thank you for a courageous post. it really moved me and there was an awful lot I could relate to and I’m just about to turn 40 and sometimes wishing I was 23.

    I’m with jilliecat on the parents thing. Your Mum and Dad love you for sure but perhaps they just don’t show it in the right way.

    As for love, well, age has not much to do with it, but I will say, what have you got to lose? You may be shy (I am too) but if you like someone, go for it. the worst thing they can do is say no…..

    As for self esteem, all people struggle from what I’ve seen, even the most confident corporate executives, believe me. And you’ve got so much talent as evident in your blog and studies.

    I know what you’re going through and that’s just my two cents, but believe in you and what you want and dream about….

    Madeleine

    • lucasai says:

      Thank you for all your warm and kind words.

      You know when people are shy like me and who don’t get easy on expressing their emotions I probably didn’t realize that there are more people struggling from the similar situation as mine.

      I know that age has nothing to do with love etc but when I see people around who are happy couples of friends from my highschool who recently got married it feels a little bit “wrong” to be alone.

      Thank you, glad my blog is the one that grows up right, it keeps me going forward.

      • Madeleine says:

        Hi

        I hear you, but some of those couples may not be truly happy but getting together because that’s just what’s done, you know?

        You can’t just be in a relationship just because you don’t what to be single.

        Being alone is not wrong but peer pressure can feel awful! Just make sure you stay true to you!

        M x

        • lucasai says:

          You’re probably right, some find love earlier, some find it later and there are also those who don’t find it at all.

          I’m not going to rush things anyway

  4. Jackie b says:

    Lucas, I think your writing this is a great step towards moving forward.
    My own father withheld approval and affection and it affected my self worth for years. Eventually I realised that he did the best he could with what he had inside himself, but I think you have reached some insight earlier than I did!
    I do have a question, if you don’t mind it…is there someone in your life who you feel valued by?
    A friend or mentor perhaps, or if you have siblings, it can be a great help to focus on that.
    All the best!

    • lucasai says:

      I’m sorry you had to go through that too. I think I realized all this in the right time so that something can be still done.
      Who I feel valued by? I think I feel it mostly from the readers of my blog who come back to read yet another review. I cannot think of such a person in an everyday life (I’m the only child)

  5. Madeleine says:

    Ps: it’s also natural to be feeling uncertain given you’re about to graduate….Look after you and remember there are lots of people who respect and appreciate you 🙂

  6. Lucas – Sometimes are parents don’t do us any favors growing up, but please note that everything that you are feeling is pretty common and will pass. You’re at the juncture in your life where everything is changing rapidly and there are new experiences that are right at your doorstep. You’ll find your voice, your strength, your love just when you least expect it. Until then, just know that you’re doing OK. xoxoxoxxo Steve

  7. Jovan says:

    Lucas, since I just discovered your blog, thru Elena…(I am the owner of Tijon Fragrance Lab and am on the permanent banner ad on Perfume Shrine) your honest words touched me.

    You see, I am also a parent to a son. My son is now 28 and is fortunate to have found his soulmate. But it wasn’t always this way. Like you, Blake did not have his dad around to go to his ball games or to play with him. The reason was quite different, you see Blake’s dad died of cancer when Blake was a young boy. His death had a profound effect on Blake and instead of having a father by his side to encourage him in his studies, he only had his mom who coddled him and did not push him. Here Blake’s world had just fallen apart and I wanted to shield him from the world and make everything all right.

    Blake became very shy and withdrawn from the world. It took many years for him to gain the confidence necessary to even talk to a girl, let alone ask one out on a date!

    What I am trying to impart to you, Lucas, is this…your time WILL come and if you wish to hurry it along I can share my love story. After my husband died, and Blake was happily situated in his own life, I decided to join a website called eHarmony.com – the nice thing about on line dating Lucas is this, it was invented for WRITERS and BRILLIANT COMMUNICATORS….which is YOU!

    If you can turn a phrase and can express yourself intelligently then you will have a greater chance of success. I personally answered 700 different questions on the eHarmony website. And as luck would have it, my soul mate also filled out the very same questionnaire answering 700 questions. Our profile answers matched 100% and we were fixed up by the eHarmony computerized system. We have been together now for over a year and have never had a cross word or a single disagreement. It’s a match made in heaven!

    I would suggest to you that you visit the eHarmony website and fill out a profile, which should also include some photos. If you are diligent in your search for finding love, as diligent as you are with writing your brilliant blog, you WILL FIND LOVE Lucas!!! The reason I know this works is because I have counseled many of my friends (who are shy just like you) to follow my formula.

    Let me know how that works for you. You might want to begin right now before Valentine’s Day, as what could be a better day to start your search for the love of your life?

    • lucasai says:

      Hi Jovan!
      It’s nice to meet you, glad that the joined event with Elena and Gaia brought you here today.

      Thank you for telling me your story. It must’ve been very hard for your son Blake when he lost his dad and he must’ve been through harder times than I am because his dad wasn’t around while mine is around but not very interested in me and my life.

      And thank you for sharing your personal story, I’m happy for you that you found a soulmate to walk through the life from now on.

      All the suggestions are welcome, thank you so much!

  8. Tora says:

    This was brave of you to reveal, Lucas. We all need to be loved for who we are. I wish for you the strength and conviction to know that you are very loveable. It will take more bravery to put yourself out into the world. I have no wise answers. Bad role models are a burden to growth. But I have faith in your desire for more connection, and healthier relationships. I stand beside you as a cheerleader for your foray into the world of possibilities. Happy Valentine’s Day from a fan!

  9. rickyrebarco says:

    Lucas, I’m so sorry you had to go through that. My childhood was similar. I had a very abusive father, nothing I did was right, he hit me, berated me for years. I left home at 18 for university (paid my own way since my rotten father had taken the money my mom had saved for my college and spent it on something else) and decided to overcome my past.

    Yes, I made some bad decisions and did some stupid things, like having a relationship with an abusive guy, repeating a pattern. But, I’ve never done that again I started reading books about abusive families and how to overcome such a past and I worked on it. Lke you, I thought I would never meet that special person, but I did when I was 26.

    And don’t worry that you haven’t been in a longterm relationship. My son did not have a longterm relationship until he was 26. He’s a medical doctor, and, like you, he was studying so much in high school and university he didn’t have time for a relationship, But he’s fine and you will be, too!

    Tell yourself every day, you are wonderful, you are smart and you are good enough! You have my email if you ever want to chat.

    • lucasai says:

      I’m really sorry about the situation with your father, especially that he was beating you!
      And how could he take the money your mum saves for your studies? That was the most selfish think I suppose!

      I hope that I will get there to the point in my life when I will be able to say “everything is fine now”

  10. shellyw says:

    Alone and at a much older age then you, I can say the one up side in the sometimes sad ones, is that you are your one person. Your decisions (and sometimes budget) decide how you will spend your time. Many of my married friends crave that freedom. I am not sure if it is a good trade because I have not seen both sides myself, but more than a few times I have been told so by them. Until things change it is the lemons into lemonade approach. Best wishes.

  11. Dear Lucas
    This is such a brave, honest and open post to have written.
    And very beautifully written too.
    Very few people will go through life without experiencing, pain, rejection and hurt. But it is especially hard when we encounter these difficult emotions so early on and as a result of the actions of others we – quite justifiably – expect should care and nurture us.
    What you have done here though is to acknowledge your pain and also the fact that it is not all of your making. These are the most important first steps in moving on. And move on and forward is what I’m sure you will do.
    Twenty three can seem quite aged at the time, but you know as a result of our rather peculiar education system in Britain where some children are sent way to school and then university from a very young age I have large numbers of friends who found themselves in their mid-twenties not really knowing their parents, not ever having been in love. I’m rather older know, and those people have come through, not always easily, but through and have lived, had relationships, careers. lives.
    I know you will too.
    At the start I mentioned how well written I thought your post was, this might seem an odd thing to say. But, Lucas, you have talent, an ability to communicate, a natural curiosity and desire to exist in the world. Your blog is a testament to this.
    Your talent and your curiosity will see you through, these and the strength you have shown to get this far.
    Yours ever
    The Perfumed Dandy

    • lucasai says:

      I’m glad that apart from the confession itself you find this post written in a good way.
      Thank you for all the heart warming words.
      A perfume community is such a supportive group and all of you are the best examples that it’s true.

  12. Holly says:

    Your words have warmed my heart, dear Lucas. I agree that your openness is incredibly courageous. Thank-you so much for sharing this with us. I would like to call this your revelation, and not your confession.

    I can empathize with your situation, although I won’t be so bold as to say “I know how you feel.” I would like to tell you that what you reveal about yourself is always a charming, sensitive, intelligent and caring person. You are working hard at completing your studies, and yet you take the time to share with us your wonderful, thoughtful writing. You may be “shy” and feel that this quality hampers you, but I see someone who is confident enough to be honest about his life and his feelings. These qualities are quite rare, and I admire them in you immensely.

    I feel that what you (or others) might see as flaws or weaknesses are actually part of your beautiful, unique nature. I hope that one day you will embrace them all. In the meantime, I’m sending you gratitude, love and a big hug.

    • lucasai says:

      A revelation you say – that’s kind and sweet of you.

      It’s really motivating when I see that you people perceive me as a sensitive, intelligent and caring person. I work with the studies for myself, I work with the blog for me and for you too!

      I hope that I will be able to tell you that someday that weaknessess turned into strength.

  13. Lilybelle says:

    Lucas, you are certainly not alone in your pain and confusion. So many (most, I would venture) have had similar feelings. It seems to be a human condition we suffer while thinking we are the only ones, while in fact almost EVERYBODY has been through it. Your post was brave, and the your thinking about this and reaching out to others is such a positive step. I was very unhappy throughout my adolescence and long afterward. It is hard at your age – 23 is VERY young, though it may not seem so to you now – to see how you will grow into yourself, into self acceptance and self love, but it will happen. You are intelligent, creative, sensitive (and handsome, I saw your vacation photos!), with so much to offer in love. There is no rush, you will find that one special person when you least expect it. In the meantime, always remember that you are special, surround yourself with friends who value you – you are a treasure – with people who make you feel good. Learning to love yourself is a journey, difficult and painful at times, but it is also the way to learn how to love others. One day you will see your father in the light of your own maturity as someone who was denied love himself, perhaps someone who is deeply unhappy, and in need of compassion and forgiveness, as we all are. That day may not be today, lol! Just work on loving Lucas for now. And if it isn’t forbidden to say this, I just want to add that you are God’s own beloved child, loved with infinite tenderness, dear Lucas. Take care! xoxo

    • lucasai says:

      Thank you for the overwhelming kindness 🙂

      People, you all give me strength and courage! You’re all very dear to me and I’m glad to have you around, even if virtually. 😀

      Yeah, love yourself and treat yourself. Gotta learn that lesson.

  14. Anka says:

    Dear Lucas,
    thank you for sharing your touching story allowing me to glimpse a little bit into your heart (or brain…if I recall your interesting essay for Valentine’s day). You are building a bridge between your world and ours, the readers and commenters – I mean not only with this special, personal post but your wonderful blog in general and that is great! I wish you all the best!

  15. Mary K says:

    It was good that you shared your thoughts and feelings with us here on your blog because it gives us all a chance to say that we all care about you and want only the best for you in all areas of your life. You may not think so now, but 23 is definitely young, and you have to look at all of your accomplishments so far (all of the schooling that you have successfully completed, plus creasating and owning this blog that provides so much information and joy in reading to others). Plus, you know where your interests lie and what you want jobwise when your schooling is completed. Many people your age cannot claim to know this or claim to have done all that you have so far in your life. These are all things to be happy about!

    Parents sometimes either think they aren’t doing anything wrong or else they do not stop to put themselves in their children’s places and realize that their actions and words might not have a positive impact. It sounds like your mom is kind and good. And in time, as you get a bit older things may improve with your dad as he sees that you are taking your place in the world and carving out a career for yourself.

    As for relationships, it seems to me that young people today do not necessarily find a significant other until later in their twenties or maybe even into their thirties because, like you, they are busy with studies or other interests, It was different with your parent’s generation, as people did all of this sooner because many did not go to college or have as many other activities in their life. It really is fine to be your own person for a while and do exactly what you want and when you want. In time, I am sure you will find someone – you are such a good and intelligent person; someone will notice and it will happen!

    In the meantime, please know that I am thinking about you and wishing all good things for you because you deserve it!!

  16. poodle says:

    I know where you are coming from. I didn’t get married until I was almost 30. Don’t lose sleep over it. You’ll find someone when you least expect it. I was also painfully shy for most of my life. Its only recently that I’ve gotten out of my shell a bit. My dad wasn’t perfect either. If I got an A he was mad because it wasn’t an A+. Parents mean well I think but sometimes don’t exactly show it. Don’t think your alone in all this. It was brave of you to put this all out there. I’m happy to see all the positive responses you’re getting. You’re a good guy and don’t forget that. You have a lot to be proud of and that’s what you need to realize. Concentrate on the things you do have. Count your blessings.

  17. hajusuuri says:

    Dearest Lucas, this must have taken a lot of courage to share. Turn over a new page in your diary and start looking ahead to all the GOOD things that happened to you this year…and it’s only February — your BIRTHDAY month! Let’s see, you got your scholarship back, you got an internship, you are going to MILAN – Esxence!!! Most of us (OK, me!) can only DREAM of going to Milan for this event (how’s your Italian?) You are graduating this year! You have perfume friends both virtually and in real life! Your Mum LOVES you! I am sure you can add more to the many good things that are happening in your life!

  18. Laurels says:

    Lucas, I suspect that if you were living at your college, you would already have had a relationship (or three). If you’re interested in someone, now might be a good time to ask them out for coffee or something after class, as in a few months you won’t be seeing each other regularly.

    I also grew up with an angry, mean father. Just remember that when someone consistently treats you poorly, it’s a reflection on them, not you. When you do find yourself in a serious relationship, try to avoid repeating the pattern. Don’t stay involved with someone who isn’t nice to you (cough, my sister’s problem) or let yourself be unkind to the other person, either. (I once found myself yelling at a long-term boyfriend and realized I was using my father’s exact words. It shocked me.) Chemistry may be the catalyst for a relationship, but kindness will make it lasting and worthwhile. I wish I’d realized that earlier.

    • Laurels says:

      Oh, and I haven’t been reading your blog for that long, so you may already have discussed this, but I’d like to know if you chose to study chemistry because of your interest in perfume, or if you were already a chemistry student and your interest in perfume developed independently.

    • lucasai says:

      The university system in Poland is much different from the US ones.
      Here we don’t have the university campuses where around the university buildings are places where students life together, share rooms etc.

      Thanks for your wisdom!

  19. Undina says:

    Dear Lucas,

    Your parents did the best they could: not everybody can be a good parent. Just promise yourself that if you decide to have kids you’ll try be a better father to them.

    You are young. You are shy. You are probably not the most self-confident person. So what? There are out there other people who are exactly the way you are – or even worse in terms of communicating with others – so just look around and try to notice those people for whom to speak up might be even harder than for you. Help somebody who cannot write such a beautiful post and get so many warm responses – you’ll find more contacts, friendships and even love.

  20. Martha says:

    Whlie my parents gave the illustion of being supportive of me, the older I get the more I realize that, well, not so much. So I think that I can identify with you at least enough to say that when you do move away, that might start to make a substantial difference.

    Even if you don’t have conscious thoughts that “I can’t do that; what would X think?” I think that those fences do exist in one’s mind, and that physical distance and reduced interaction can start to weaken them. I started to become a social being only after I left home to go to college several hours away. It wasn’t a sudden transformation–I’d say that now, twenty-five years later, it’s still not done–but things did almost immediately change for the better. I’ll never be entirely “normal” socially, but that’s not a bad thing–my not-so-standard social skills, grown in adulthood rather than in the years when most people grow them, are a part of me that I’m just fine with, and apparently so are my friends.

    • lucasai says:

      It sounds good to me, even if you developed all the social skills later in life. Maybe I’ll be in a similar situation?

      Thanks for this comment and for the email too.

  21. Vanessa says:

    Understanding your past is well over half the battle, so I am sure you will build on your self-confidence from this point on. I had a similar dynamic in my family – super critical father to whom I was a constant disappointment, very warm and supportive mother. Hold on to the good things from your mother – they really are enough. I tried to tune into her and out from my dad. However, two parents who are down on you – now that would be a heavy bag to carry through life and much harder to come back from. Knowledge is power, and you have a choice how to be now you are grown up – don’t let your dad exert power over you any more!

  22. Anna says:

    Hi Lucas,
    Lurker here! Yep, been following your words of wisdom for awhile now. Learning from you and your fellow perfume lovers (thanks all!). This was an awesome act of bravery, and you’ve gotten some excellent advice. I would only add to this that having been a shy person all of my life, I started out living vicariously through others. Don’t do that; you miss a lot of life that way by being afraid. Try to surround yourself with people who will give you wings to fly and a safety net to fall into if you crash . Love your blog!

  23. Katherine says:

    Your blog is wonderful and you have a wonderful life in front of you. I know it’s a very overwhelming time. I’m very proud of you.

  24. Dearest, dearest, dearest Lucas! It can’t be easy to come into your own while studying and still living at home. It sounds like your parents want the very best for you, but aren’t able to express it in a way that clicks with who you are. That is unfortunate, but it doesn’t have to define you! Look at the life you have carved out here in this virtual space! Friends all over the world who ADORE you! Btw, we are also in AWE that you blog in a language that is not your native one. That takes major guts too! Look at me: I teach FRENCH for a LIVING, and the thought of blogging in French makes me QUEASY! But I digress: connecting with others through blogging is one step, finishing your studies is another, and finding and setting up your own home will be another! And as you go along your journey, I guarantee you that you will fall in love and others will fall in love with you. Trust me. I’m old so whatever I say must be right 🙂

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