Lately, I mean for the last month or two I’ve been having some random thoughts going through my mind. The more challenging fact is that those are some new thoughts in my life… Like “I’d like to fall in love” or “what am I going to do with my life after graduation which is just a couple of months from now.” Some time ago I realized that for as long as I’m writing this blog I have never really told you about myself. I mean – you know my name, Twitter followers know my last name as well, you know what I study and if you ever checked the about me page you know how a half of my face looks like.
Last week as I was preparing the Valentine’s Day Special post I really started thinking about love. And I started having more intensive thoughts like “how great would it be to fall in love.” And then my inner voice starts to speak… Lucas, you’re 23 and you’ve never been in a serious relationship. Wait! You’ve never been in ANY relationship. Yes, I confess to a bitter truth – I’ve never been in love and I’ve never been with anybody. The older I get the more often I ask the same question – is there something wrong with me? And I probably know the answer, it’s quite obvious.
Everything started when I was just a few years old. My Dad worked in the Army and he never had time for me. If he was to pick me up from the kindergarten, I was always the last one to be picked. When he was coming back home he had to had his dinner served then for the rest of the day he was lying on the couch watching television. Other dads played outside with their sons and daughters, mine didn’t. But I dealth with it, I played with other kids when their parents were busy. Things started to change as the elementary school began. I was always told that education comes first. So at the age of 9, in third grade I stopped going to the playgroud – I had to learn.
As the time was flying and I grew into my teenage years things became more intense. Dad started openly criticising my for almost everything I’ve done. He didn’t like the clothes I was wearing, he didn’t like my friends. He openly admitted that I’m not a son he dreamt of because I wasn’t into sports and more “manly” things. We listened to different music, we had totally opposite opinions, we argued a lot (we still do) but I wasn’t afraid to shout at him. He hurt my feelings by always saying how fat and bad-looking I was. This continues every day until the current day.
You know, my Mum always did the opposite, she tried to cheer me up but it was Dad’s words that soaked into me like a spilled juice soaks into a sponge. I grew up feeling insecure, having a really low level of self-esteem and I was never confident. I’m also quite shy which makes me afraid of meeting new people. I’m blocked from the inside, I’m unable to make the first move and say “hi”. I try to work with myself, I do excercises and I swim when I can (It’s hard when you commute to university.) I believe in “yourself” I just can’t get to believing in “myself.”
There are days when I can be down so much that I say to myself things like “you’re not worthy”, “you don’t deserve good things.” In her Valentine’s Day post Elena introduced me as “happily single” but is it really me? Self esteem is something you can be born with or something you can build up through the years. My building is like the one made by a 3-years-old. But I still hope that one day I will meet someone who will make me realize my true value. One day…
This confession made me feel better, really. And apologies to those who didn’t really want to hear about it. If you’d like to know a little bit more about me feel tree to send me an email. I might do kind of a “X things you always wanted to know…” post.